I'm better than you Jesus

Okay just kidding about the title. Anywhoo...

Luke 23:39-43

39One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" 40But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? 41We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong." 42Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." 43Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

One day when I was reading random things in the Bible. I know I'm weird. I really have no structured Bible reading schedule but the way I do it suits me and I find things. Anyways I digress. This verse, when you carefully look at it, is extremely moving. For those of you that know me you know that I tend to think in a less than positive way. I am easily discouraged, and get hurt very easily. It's easy for me to cry out to God and say "Save me!! I can't do this! I give up! Get me out of here!" It's easy to think that God doesn't know what I'm going through, that he doesn't understand. How that makes sense to me is... well... beyond me. As I grow in my faith (that has been left alone for way too long) I find more and more verses to help me through the pain (James 1:2-8). God does not leave us alone. And I can do it. It may be hard but it can be done and done well. 

When you look at Luke 23:39-43 you see that Jesus is suffering as much as the two criminals. Crucifixion was not a graceful way to die. The person (in this case Jesus) condemned to die was forced to carry a very splintery, heavy, wooden cross on their back, which had been ripped to shreds by a glass and other sharp objects, sometimes to the point of the intestines being shown. Once they reached the point where they were to be executed was then either tied to the cross with a rope or nails were driven through their wrists. The feet were then nailed to the cross as well. The person on the cross eventually died of blood loss, infection, dehydration, etc. The theory used for Jesus was that his heart exploded from strain. It was not a fun way to die (is it ever?). When you realize this you must think of all the pain Jesus was going through. Much more than being lonely or feeling left out.

Not only was he physically hurting, he was spiritually and emotionally hurting. Even though he knew that his best friends (the disciples) were going to leave him it had to have emotionally hurt a lot. Spiritually, I can’t think of anything more painful than having God, our Lord and Savior abandon me (Mark 16:34). So as I think I’ve established, Jesus was hurting. In defense of the first criminal, I would have asked him the same thing, if I had not known the plan. “Jesus, You are Lord. Why do You not save Yourself?” I would have wondered why he, King of the World did not save himself. We know now that it was so that he may save our souls.

I am soo off topic. To finish what I tried to start saying, when you sit there feeling all emo and mad and what-not just think about Jesus on that cross. He’s God of the Universe. He did not save himself just because it hurt a lot. We are all lowly compared to him. Why would he save us just because it hurts a little? We at least have God still with us. He didn’t.  We are way ahead of him. What makes you think you are better than God? That the little pain you feel warrants instant healing? Jesus went through so much for us, why can't we go through a little bit to grow for him? I know that sounds a bit depressing but think about it.                                                                                                                           

Thoughts to think about

Lately I've been finding all these topics I would love to write about. One being the lyrics of "You Alone Can Satisfy" the other being on Luke 23:39-43, where we meet the two criminals that Jesus is crucified between. So my goal for the next three weeks, is that amongst all the craziness of hell week and programing and school and stress and what not, I will sit down and write on both of these topics. It probably won't but until after the play closes but I may work on it while I'm stuck at school doing nothing. Anyyy ways. Be expecting something new from me within the month. 

Gracias. 

Written a while ago... with several changes

It's so hard to think about the future. I think about what I want to do with my life. Who I want to marry. How many kids I want to have. Where I want to live. And so on and so on. I'm always thinking about what I want. But then I realized something today. It's not what I want. It's what GOD wants.
Now before I start this, if you don't believe in God, I'm sorry that you're losing out. God is the most amazing thing that I have ever learned of. He has helped me through so many things. All the hurt over the years, all of the pain. All of the worry and all of the fear. All of the anger and all of the hate. All of the joy and all of the happiness. He has been there for me. Even when I did not feel him he was there. He also promised me he would be there so that I may cry out to him (Psalm 142, King David).
Anyways, I've seen radical changes in people over the last several years. I really hope these next few people don't mind but they have been an amazing blessing in my life. I look up to them spiritually. They are a sort of spiritual mentor to me.
First, Carole-Marie. She and I had always been friends. She was a typical theatre kid. A cussing, sexual, crude theatre kid. Then she started dating an amazing Christian guy named Drew. Drew you have indirectly changed my life. You changed her. She is the Godliest girl now. If I ever need to pray or just learn about what God can do I can go to her.
Second is Richard. Richard had always struggled with sexual impurity. He also was a bit pompous and a bit full of himself. All of a sudden at the beginning of last year he came back to school completely changed. He didn't cuss anymore. He wasn't full of himself. He was full of God. I thought it was a temporary thing. I didn't think it would last. Yet it did. Through October, when my grandfather died and when Daniel and I broke up, he was there to pray with me. Through Godspell he gave all of the glory for that amazing last show to God, even though he worked really hard. Through the summer and into this year, he was there with theatre was sucking the life out of me. He's been an encouragement.
I have seen both of these people's live changed completely. Both of them have struggled to do what God wishes them to do. Whatever it be.
So tonight I was sitting next to my mom crying because I felt so lonely. I just felt terrible. I came into the study and starting listening to my itunes on random. All of a sudden "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl came on. I instantly got on my knees praying and crying out to God. I felt his arms come upon me and just comfort. He was telling me it would be fine. He hadn't left me. And he would never change. He wouldn't leave me because he loves me unconditionally. Luckily I was also able to talk to Richard who helped me with the human comfort.
As I sit here in my emotional pain I think about the verse I have referenced so many times for others. James 1 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Ironically it's the verse I put on my letter jacket. God's saying to me through my pain "You're not done, my beautiful daughter. You have so much to learn and so much more time to grow."
Once when I was in therapy, when I was being bullied, the councilor (who was a Christian councilor), told me that she could tell that God had something planned for me, because I was going through so much. I just blew it off. I didn't think that God would put me through so much just because he wanted me to do something. Now 5 years later I realize that what she said was true. God wants me to grow and do something for him, but I'm not strong enough yet. I'm not mature enough. There is a lot I need to learn. I need to be stronger in his word. I need to be closer to him.
So as I think about what I want to do with my life, I must think of what God is planning for me. He's allowing me to hurt so there must be something in my future.
There is a story in the Christian community about a man who is looking back at the footsteps of his walk with the Lord. He notices that sometimes there are two pair of footsteps and yet in other places there is only one pair of footsteps. He looks at Jesus and says "I thought you said you would walk with me always. Where were you then?" he says as he points to one of the places with just one pair of foot steps. "Why weren't you there then?" Jesus then replies "I was there. I was carrying you."
There is no way I can make it through life with out my "Daddy". I tried it last year and failed miserably. As I told Richard tonight, I've barely made it through the past, without him. I shall now thrive, WITH him.
I love the thought in Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd." I really don't like the fact that I'm a dumb sheep. The fact that the Lord tells me where to go, sometimes irks me. And yet I don't see the picture. I'm too busy grazing on my grass. I don't see the steep cliff ahead. I don't see the wolf about to eat me. And yet my Daddy does. I may not like that he takes me away from my grass but I don't know that he just saved me.
Thank you Daddy. Thank you for saving me. I pray that whatever you want for me will be apparent. I pray, more significantly, that I follow through with what you want me to do. I pray I have the strength and the maturity to do it. And I pray I do it willingly and not angrily. I also thank you for my friends that are there to pray with me. I pray you be with them. I pray for my friends who do not know you. I pray they see you to be the amazing "person" you are. I pray they see that Jesus can save them. I pray that through any persecution, I bring you glory. Amen.

All that you have has become unreal

So this summer has been amazing. I've gotten closer to alot of people. Life's been good to me, and even when it wasn't I looked up. I didn't get all depressed. I got over what ever happened. I stopped being a cry baby. I rested and wasn't as tense and stressed anymore. The worst thing this summer, that I've had trouble with, was my back and how much it hurts. Other than that I've learned to live with things.
Yesterday was theatre. I walked into the black box and INSTANTLY I was stressed and upset and tense. I tried talking about lights. It didn't help. So David and I went into the auditorium while they were all rehearsing, so we could try to get some stuff done. Which consisted of getting a rubix cube down from the electrics (We had put it up there in June) and messing with band kids. I was still super tense. So we went up to the cat walk to get gels down. I hoped that would help. Being up there was always calming to me. But it made it worse. I looked down from there and saw all the work I was going to have to do. David was even able to notice that something was wrong, noting that I was suddenly cussing again. A habit I had stopped. Until I walked into theatre.
Afterwards David and I decided that it was a waste of time for us to be there so we went to get drinks then chilled at his house. I felt so much better once we left. I was still pretty upset but not as much. Then we came back to pick up a couple people. blah blah blah. Fun stuff. After all that fun stuff David, Marissa, Cash and I migrated to David's house. We were there for a while when I got a call from Zach telling me I was going to Hobby Lobby with him and Jonathan. As soon as I heard his voice I felt down, stupid and stressed. I did end up going with them. Right now I can say with all ernest I wish I hadn't. As soon as I got in the car this wave of depression just engulfed me. Probably because as soon as I got in they went off on a tangent about how I was a complete bitch. Now I haven't seen either of them more than twice this summer. They haven't seen how I've changed and stopped being crazy. Instantly I went lower and lower. And the more we went through Hobby Lobby and Best Buy the more they continued to belittle me. "You won't understand if I try to explain it." "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get it." They must be kidding because they've both met my dad. They know how smart he is. I'm not dumb. I understand computers and other "nerdy" things. I may not be the best, but I'm defiantly not the dumbest.
I went home after that. I could barely function. I just felt drained. The fact that all Zach and Jonathan could say about me was that I was a bitch was extremely disturbing to me. I went to bed pretty early for me. (10:30) It had been hard for me to not cry the entire day. Which is odd for me. Because I don't cry anymore. At all. Ever. As soon as I got in my room I exploded into tears. Just sobs. About everything. Boys. School. Grades. Theatre. Lighting. The fact that I don't talk to my best friend ever anymore. Getting a job. Church. The fact that I feel that some of my friends are just leaving me. Rejection. And I didn't stop for about an hour. Which frustrated me even more. I never used to whine about things and yet there I was. Whining about everything. I tried to sleep but all I did was toss and turn. 
This morning I woke up to go do Freshman Orientation. I thought it was going to be fun. But I was completely worn out from the day before. And the freshman were demons. It was all I could do to keep from punching anyone of them in the face. Now I don't know what to do. My happiness has done a complete 180. And I don't even know why. No one did anything. No one hurt me. My ability to not worry just got wiped away. And I can't even figure out why. I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe in an attempt to figure out what the heck is going on in my head.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

I sat back and watched myself change

The other day David, Emilio and I sat down and had a heart to heart. We talked about how we feel about things, how we want things to go, the troubles of our life, etc. A completely depressing conversation but it made me think. I feel kinda like I'm sitting in a room (strangely enough the guys dressing room. That's where we had the talk.) and looking at myself. I'm the little innocent 7th grader in a tiny private school looking onto the future not-so-innocent 10th grader in a very large public high school.
I have changed so much. I'm not as "strict" as I used to be. I'm a lot more liberal. I don't care as much. People still see me as ultra conservative but they didn't know me four years ago. I've grown up a lot. I learned things I wish I had never learned. I've done things I wish I hadn't done. Nothing bad. Just things that don't bring back good memories. May 16th was inductions for Theatre. At the beginning of May I read something I had written in June of the year before. I realized that May 16th was coming up. That was the day Daniel and I decided "be together". After all of the "You guys are perfect together!" hype from everyone we decided to see if it would work. I remember sitting there saying "What if it doesn't work?? What if we don't stay friends??" and Daniel replied "Dating is to see if a relationship will work. What if we do work? Let's try." So we did. It was so amazing. I was happy. I hadn't been that happy in over 2 years. Then two days later was inductions. I spent the whole afternoon with him. It was a momentous night. My first kiss. You know. Just one of those things you remember. So on Friday I kept thinking about exactly a year before. It was weird. Every time I looked at Daniel I remembered how happy we had been. It was weird. No feelings for him (sorry I'm kinda over you Daniel. Not that that's a bad thing). But just remembering everything that we had gone through. I presented the award for Best Actor for SDOA's and Daniel was the recipient. As he came to receive his little T I looked at him and he looked up at me and I felt sad. I remembered our friendship. I remembered all of the little inside jokes we had had. It was weird.
But then the moment passed and I remembered the pain. Just when I realized how depressed I was. How weird it was telling Daniel I was depressed but didn't know why. Something was just wrong with me. I didn't know then. I still don't know really. But then something happened to us. Something just went wrong. Neither of us could figure out what. It hurt a lot when we broke up. We sat in that corner for an hour trying to figure out what we were going to do. And we decided it would be best if we just didn't stay like we were. And it was over. I went home and cried. I hadn't cried like that since my grandpa had died. I think the hardest point was when Bekah made the comment, "I don't know why you guys broke up. You are perfect for each other." The more I thought about that comment the more I realized how we WERE perfect for each other. We had both changed. 
A week later my best friend told me he was practically in love with me. I wasn't surprised. But I felt guilty. He was Daniel's best friend. I can honestly say I regret it. Being with him and causing the pain for both of us. When I hear what he has said I feel an immense amount of pain. I feel like I made him give up all hope on love. I wasn't ready. I loved Daniel and it just wasn't a good time. Then after I told him we just couldn't be together another one of Daniel's friends came. 
Oh Zach. Sorry but I think we both regret that. We weren't really together. We were just kids that hung out constantly. We both knew we weren't going to last. I was too mean to him and he was too mean to me. We both liked to argue too much. He was too smart and I was too prideful. It just wasn't meant to be. And we both agree. We were both able to move on with our lives. And then Kent came back. I missed him. No I missed his friendship. That's all. Someone who I knew would listen and understand everything I said. But then I came back to reality and realized it just wasn't going to work at all. He kept talking about our future. Like planning things and I just kept thinking about how we are just in high school. It just wasn't right. So I told him that. And I haven't talked to him but twice since. 
And then Cash. Oh Cash. He was this weird freaky kid I knew last year. He kinda scared and repulsed me. Now that I look back the similarities between him and Daniel surprise me. When I met Daniel in 8th grade he was this freak that scared me. No joke. He was also more adventurous then me. When I met Cash I thought he was just plain weird. So yeah. Fast forward to this year. Cash joins theatre and I think he's a cool weird. He gets with Haley and I'm with Daniel and we live our lives. Blah blah blah. Yada yada. Everyone knows the story and I don't want to get into it because I don't know all the details. Haley and Cash break up. We become even better friends. We both like each other. People tell us. People tell each other. Everyone knows. So yeah. He asks me out. I say yes. Drama is started. We break up. Drama intensifies. Drama is ended. We get back together. We happy. So yeah. Things happen. Sarah's sad. Cash is there for her. Sarah is happy. Sarah is "stalked". Cash is there for her. Sarah turns out not to really be stalked. Sarah and Cash really happy. 
But anyways back to the beginning topic. I see myself. I've changed a lot. I'm a lot more outgoing and I've got friends. In 7th grade I didn't have any friends. Not really. Ria and Shelby. but that's about it. In 8th grade I changed an amazing amount. I hung out with Sarah and Jordan and TJ. I changed. I grew up a little bit. I learned a lot. I lost some of my naivety. Over the summer seems to be my biggest time of change. I know I'm going to change this summer. I don't know for the better or for the worse. I'll probably do things I'll regret later on in life. I probably won't do things I'll regret I didn't do. I'll also though, on the other hand, do things that will be amazing. I just know this will be an interesting summer. I will be hanging with an interesting group of people. So that was our conversation in the dressing room. How we know we'll change. Hell I saw one of my best friends change over night. It was weird seeing someone grow up so quickly. (I didn't actually see it. Thank God.) I am just preparing myself. 
I used to listen to only Christian music. I now listen to almost no Christian music. I used to hate any physical contact with anyone. My personal bubble is now gone. I used to never cuss. I now do. Not as much as I used to but I do. I'm not as innocent as I used to be. I know things I really wish I didn't. But that's part of growing up. I didn't expect this change in me and I don't know what to expect coming up. Part of me wants to be scared. But the majority of me is ready for a change. I'm ready for something exciting to happen to me. So Summer come and change me. Make me different. I won't do everything you give me the opportunity to do but I will go out of my comfort zone. 
And David. I know what you mean about wanting to go back to when you were innocent. I wish I could. But I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't experience what I have. And neither would you. So we're both in the same boat. If you ever want to talk, I'm stuck with you in tech theatre with you and you have my number. I'm glad I had you as my friend this year. 
Emilio. Dude. You know you can talk to me. I don't care about what. Don't exclude anything, even if you feel embarrassed. I can take it. I might be a little distressed for a while but you're my friend. I'll live. 
Both. I'm so glad you know how I feel about everything. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way. 
Daniel. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for helping me live. I'm sorry we weren't able to stay friends. 
Kent. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't want to. I'm not even going to try to stay your friend. Because we both know that won't work. 
Zach. You're weird but I'm really glad we could stay friends. I can honestly say you are one of my best friends. 
Amanda. Thank you for being there with me through this year. I don't know where I would be with out you. Probably in some corner feeling sorry for myself. As odd as it sounds I'm glad you have the same problems I do. I wish you didn't but I'm glad you're the one that does.
Hannah. Thanks for staying my friend. You are one amazing girl. I'm so glad you found David A. and I know everything will work out for the better. 
Chad. You rock dude. I am so glad I'm one of the few people you can vent to. I'm also glad I can vent to you. But I'm also I can hang with you and just be completely honest with you about everything. 
Reade. Even though you'll probably never read this thank you for helping me through the Daniel thing. Also thanks for staying with me durning Convention. You made it bearable. 
Jonathan. You probably won't read this either. You are one annoying brother. But I wouldn't trade you for any other brother. 
Cash. I've said it before and I'll say again. I don't know how you deal with me. The whole stalker thing. Yeah.... Thank you for being there for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. 
Carole-Marie. Do I even need say anything. You drive to my house in 7 seven minutes when I call you crying. You're pretty much amazing. 
I think that's pretty much it. There is so much I could say but I will choose not to. Thank you to all who gave me a hug and were there for me. 
Thank you.