I sat back and watched myself change

The other day David, Emilio and I sat down and had a heart to heart. We talked about how we feel about things, how we want things to go, the troubles of our life, etc. A completely depressing conversation but it made me think. I feel kinda like I'm sitting in a room (strangely enough the guys dressing room. That's where we had the talk.) and looking at myself. I'm the little innocent 7th grader in a tiny private school looking onto the future not-so-innocent 10th grader in a very large public high school.
I have changed so much. I'm not as "strict" as I used to be. I'm a lot more liberal. I don't care as much. People still see me as ultra conservative but they didn't know me four years ago. I've grown up a lot. I learned things I wish I had never learned. I've done things I wish I hadn't done. Nothing bad. Just things that don't bring back good memories. May 16th was inductions for Theatre. At the beginning of May I read something I had written in June of the year before. I realized that May 16th was coming up. That was the day Daniel and I decided "be together". After all of the "You guys are perfect together!" hype from everyone we decided to see if it would work. I remember sitting there saying "What if it doesn't work?? What if we don't stay friends??" and Daniel replied "Dating is to see if a relationship will work. What if we do work? Let's try." So we did. It was so amazing. I was happy. I hadn't been that happy in over 2 years. Then two days later was inductions. I spent the whole afternoon with him. It was a momentous night. My first kiss. You know. Just one of those things you remember. So on Friday I kept thinking about exactly a year before. It was weird. Every time I looked at Daniel I remembered how happy we had been. It was weird. No feelings for him (sorry I'm kinda over you Daniel. Not that that's a bad thing). But just remembering everything that we had gone through. I presented the award for Best Actor for SDOA's and Daniel was the recipient. As he came to receive his little T I looked at him and he looked up at me and I felt sad. I remembered our friendship. I remembered all of the little inside jokes we had had. It was weird.
But then the moment passed and I remembered the pain. Just when I realized how depressed I was. How weird it was telling Daniel I was depressed but didn't know why. Something was just wrong with me. I didn't know then. I still don't know really. But then something happened to us. Something just went wrong. Neither of us could figure out what. It hurt a lot when we broke up. We sat in that corner for an hour trying to figure out what we were going to do. And we decided it would be best if we just didn't stay like we were. And it was over. I went home and cried. I hadn't cried like that since my grandpa had died. I think the hardest point was when Bekah made the comment, "I don't know why you guys broke up. You are perfect for each other." The more I thought about that comment the more I realized how we WERE perfect for each other. We had both changed. 
A week later my best friend told me he was practically in love with me. I wasn't surprised. But I felt guilty. He was Daniel's best friend. I can honestly say I regret it. Being with him and causing the pain for both of us. When I hear what he has said I feel an immense amount of pain. I feel like I made him give up all hope on love. I wasn't ready. I loved Daniel and it just wasn't a good time. Then after I told him we just couldn't be together another one of Daniel's friends came. 
Oh Zach. Sorry but I think we both regret that. We weren't really together. We were just kids that hung out constantly. We both knew we weren't going to last. I was too mean to him and he was too mean to me. We both liked to argue too much. He was too smart and I was too prideful. It just wasn't meant to be. And we both agree. We were both able to move on with our lives. And then Kent came back. I missed him. No I missed his friendship. That's all. Someone who I knew would listen and understand everything I said. But then I came back to reality and realized it just wasn't going to work at all. He kept talking about our future. Like planning things and I just kept thinking about how we are just in high school. It just wasn't right. So I told him that. And I haven't talked to him but twice since. 
And then Cash. Oh Cash. He was this weird freaky kid I knew last year. He kinda scared and repulsed me. Now that I look back the similarities between him and Daniel surprise me. When I met Daniel in 8th grade he was this freak that scared me. No joke. He was also more adventurous then me. When I met Cash I thought he was just plain weird. So yeah. Fast forward to this year. Cash joins theatre and I think he's a cool weird. He gets with Haley and I'm with Daniel and we live our lives. Blah blah blah. Yada yada. Everyone knows the story and I don't want to get into it because I don't know all the details. Haley and Cash break up. We become even better friends. We both like each other. People tell us. People tell each other. Everyone knows. So yeah. He asks me out. I say yes. Drama is started. We break up. Drama intensifies. Drama is ended. We get back together. We happy. So yeah. Things happen. Sarah's sad. Cash is there for her. Sarah is happy. Sarah is "stalked". Cash is there for her. Sarah turns out not to really be stalked. Sarah and Cash really happy. 
But anyways back to the beginning topic. I see myself. I've changed a lot. I'm a lot more outgoing and I've got friends. In 7th grade I didn't have any friends. Not really. Ria and Shelby. but that's about it. In 8th grade I changed an amazing amount. I hung out with Sarah and Jordan and TJ. I changed. I grew up a little bit. I learned a lot. I lost some of my naivety. Over the summer seems to be my biggest time of change. I know I'm going to change this summer. I don't know for the better or for the worse. I'll probably do things I'll regret later on in life. I probably won't do things I'll regret I didn't do. I'll also though, on the other hand, do things that will be amazing. I just know this will be an interesting summer. I will be hanging with an interesting group of people. So that was our conversation in the dressing room. How we know we'll change. Hell I saw one of my best friends change over night. It was weird seeing someone grow up so quickly. (I didn't actually see it. Thank God.) I am just preparing myself. 
I used to listen to only Christian music. I now listen to almost no Christian music. I used to hate any physical contact with anyone. My personal bubble is now gone. I used to never cuss. I now do. Not as much as I used to but I do. I'm not as innocent as I used to be. I know things I really wish I didn't. But that's part of growing up. I didn't expect this change in me and I don't know what to expect coming up. Part of me wants to be scared. But the majority of me is ready for a change. I'm ready for something exciting to happen to me. So Summer come and change me. Make me different. I won't do everything you give me the opportunity to do but I will go out of my comfort zone. 
And David. I know what you mean about wanting to go back to when you were innocent. I wish I could. But I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't experience what I have. And neither would you. So we're both in the same boat. If you ever want to talk, I'm stuck with you in tech theatre with you and you have my number. I'm glad I had you as my friend this year. 
Emilio. Dude. You know you can talk to me. I don't care about what. Don't exclude anything, even if you feel embarrassed. I can take it. I might be a little distressed for a while but you're my friend. I'll live. 
Both. I'm so glad you know how I feel about everything. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way. 
Daniel. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for helping me live. I'm sorry we weren't able to stay friends. 
Kent. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't want to. I'm not even going to try to stay your friend. Because we both know that won't work. 
Zach. You're weird but I'm really glad we could stay friends. I can honestly say you are one of my best friends. 
Amanda. Thank you for being there with me through this year. I don't know where I would be with out you. Probably in some corner feeling sorry for myself. As odd as it sounds I'm glad you have the same problems I do. I wish you didn't but I'm glad you're the one that does.
Hannah. Thanks for staying my friend. You are one amazing girl. I'm so glad you found David A. and I know everything will work out for the better. 
Chad. You rock dude. I am so glad I'm one of the few people you can vent to. I'm also glad I can vent to you. But I'm also I can hang with you and just be completely honest with you about everything. 
Reade. Even though you'll probably never read this thank you for helping me through the Daniel thing. Also thanks for staying with me durning Convention. You made it bearable. 
Jonathan. You probably won't read this either. You are one annoying brother. But I wouldn't trade you for any other brother. 
Cash. I've said it before and I'll say again. I don't know how you deal with me. The whole stalker thing. Yeah.... Thank you for being there for me. You have no idea how much that means to me. 
Carole-Marie. Do I even need say anything. You drive to my house in 7 seven minutes when I call you crying. You're pretty much amazing. 
I think that's pretty much it. There is so much I could say but I will choose not to. Thank you to all who gave me a hug and were there for me. 
Thank you.