Written a while ago... with several changes

It's so hard to think about the future. I think about what I want to do with my life. Who I want to marry. How many kids I want to have. Where I want to live. And so on and so on. I'm always thinking about what I want. But then I realized something today. It's not what I want. It's what GOD wants.
Now before I start this, if you don't believe in God, I'm sorry that you're losing out. God is the most amazing thing that I have ever learned of. He has helped me through so many things. All the hurt over the years, all of the pain. All of the worry and all of the fear. All of the anger and all of the hate. All of the joy and all of the happiness. He has been there for me. Even when I did not feel him he was there. He also promised me he would be there so that I may cry out to him (Psalm 142, King David).
Anyways, I've seen radical changes in people over the last several years. I really hope these next few people don't mind but they have been an amazing blessing in my life. I look up to them spiritually. They are a sort of spiritual mentor to me.
First, Carole-Marie. She and I had always been friends. She was a typical theatre kid. A cussing, sexual, crude theatre kid. Then she started dating an amazing Christian guy named Drew. Drew you have indirectly changed my life. You changed her. She is the Godliest girl now. If I ever need to pray or just learn about what God can do I can go to her.
Second is Richard. Richard had always struggled with sexual impurity. He also was a bit pompous and a bit full of himself. All of a sudden at the beginning of last year he came back to school completely changed. He didn't cuss anymore. He wasn't full of himself. He was full of God. I thought it was a temporary thing. I didn't think it would last. Yet it did. Through October, when my grandfather died and when Daniel and I broke up, he was there to pray with me. Through Godspell he gave all of the glory for that amazing last show to God, even though he worked really hard. Through the summer and into this year, he was there with theatre was sucking the life out of me. He's been an encouragement.
I have seen both of these people's live changed completely. Both of them have struggled to do what God wishes them to do. Whatever it be.
So tonight I was sitting next to my mom crying because I felt so lonely. I just felt terrible. I came into the study and starting listening to my itunes on random. All of a sudden "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl came on. I instantly got on my knees praying and crying out to God. I felt his arms come upon me and just comfort. He was telling me it would be fine. He hadn't left me. And he would never change. He wouldn't leave me because he loves me unconditionally. Luckily I was also able to talk to Richard who helped me with the human comfort.
As I sit here in my emotional pain I think about the verse I have referenced so many times for others. James 1 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Ironically it's the verse I put on my letter jacket. God's saying to me through my pain "You're not done, my beautiful daughter. You have so much to learn and so much more time to grow."
Once when I was in therapy, when I was being bullied, the councilor (who was a Christian councilor), told me that she could tell that God had something planned for me, because I was going through so much. I just blew it off. I didn't think that God would put me through so much just because he wanted me to do something. Now 5 years later I realize that what she said was true. God wants me to grow and do something for him, but I'm not strong enough yet. I'm not mature enough. There is a lot I need to learn. I need to be stronger in his word. I need to be closer to him.
So as I think about what I want to do with my life, I must think of what God is planning for me. He's allowing me to hurt so there must be something in my future.
There is a story in the Christian community about a man who is looking back at the footsteps of his walk with the Lord. He notices that sometimes there are two pair of footsteps and yet in other places there is only one pair of footsteps. He looks at Jesus and says "I thought you said you would walk with me always. Where were you then?" he says as he points to one of the places with just one pair of foot steps. "Why weren't you there then?" Jesus then replies "I was there. I was carrying you."
There is no way I can make it through life with out my "Daddy". I tried it last year and failed miserably. As I told Richard tonight, I've barely made it through the past, without him. I shall now thrive, WITH him.
I love the thought in Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd." I really don't like the fact that I'm a dumb sheep. The fact that the Lord tells me where to go, sometimes irks me. And yet I don't see the picture. I'm too busy grazing on my grass. I don't see the steep cliff ahead. I don't see the wolf about to eat me. And yet my Daddy does. I may not like that he takes me away from my grass but I don't know that he just saved me.
Thank you Daddy. Thank you for saving me. I pray that whatever you want for me will be apparent. I pray, more significantly, that I follow through with what you want me to do. I pray I have the strength and the maturity to do it. And I pray I do it willingly and not angrily. I also thank you for my friends that are there to pray with me. I pray you be with them. I pray for my friends who do not know you. I pray they see you to be the amazing "person" you are. I pray they see that Jesus can save them. I pray that through any persecution, I bring you glory. Amen.

All that you have has become unreal

So this summer has been amazing. I've gotten closer to alot of people. Life's been good to me, and even when it wasn't I looked up. I didn't get all depressed. I got over what ever happened. I stopped being a cry baby. I rested and wasn't as tense and stressed anymore. The worst thing this summer, that I've had trouble with, was my back and how much it hurts. Other than that I've learned to live with things.
Yesterday was theatre. I walked into the black box and INSTANTLY I was stressed and upset and tense. I tried talking about lights. It didn't help. So David and I went into the auditorium while they were all rehearsing, so we could try to get some stuff done. Which consisted of getting a rubix cube down from the electrics (We had put it up there in June) and messing with band kids. I was still super tense. So we went up to the cat walk to get gels down. I hoped that would help. Being up there was always calming to me. But it made it worse. I looked down from there and saw all the work I was going to have to do. David was even able to notice that something was wrong, noting that I was suddenly cussing again. A habit I had stopped. Until I walked into theatre.
Afterwards David and I decided that it was a waste of time for us to be there so we went to get drinks then chilled at his house. I felt so much better once we left. I was still pretty upset but not as much. Then we came back to pick up a couple people. blah blah blah. Fun stuff. After all that fun stuff David, Marissa, Cash and I migrated to David's house. We were there for a while when I got a call from Zach telling me I was going to Hobby Lobby with him and Jonathan. As soon as I heard his voice I felt down, stupid and stressed. I did end up going with them. Right now I can say with all ernest I wish I hadn't. As soon as I got in the car this wave of depression just engulfed me. Probably because as soon as I got in they went off on a tangent about how I was a complete bitch. Now I haven't seen either of them more than twice this summer. They haven't seen how I've changed and stopped being crazy. Instantly I went lower and lower. And the more we went through Hobby Lobby and Best Buy the more they continued to belittle me. "You won't understand if I try to explain it." "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get it." They must be kidding because they've both met my dad. They know how smart he is. I'm not dumb. I understand computers and other "nerdy" things. I may not be the best, but I'm defiantly not the dumbest.
I went home after that. I could barely function. I just felt drained. The fact that all Zach and Jonathan could say about me was that I was a bitch was extremely disturbing to me. I went to bed pretty early for me. (10:30) It had been hard for me to not cry the entire day. Which is odd for me. Because I don't cry anymore. At all. Ever. As soon as I got in my room I exploded into tears. Just sobs. About everything. Boys. School. Grades. Theatre. Lighting. The fact that I don't talk to my best friend ever anymore. Getting a job. Church. The fact that I feel that some of my friends are just leaving me. Rejection. And I didn't stop for about an hour. Which frustrated me even more. I never used to whine about things and yet there I was. Whining about everything. I tried to sleep but all I did was toss and turn. 
This morning I woke up to go do Freshman Orientation. I thought it was going to be fun. But I was completely worn out from the day before. And the freshman were demons. It was all I could do to keep from punching anyone of them in the face. Now I don't know what to do. My happiness has done a complete 180. And I don't even know why. No one did anything. No one hurt me. My ability to not worry just got wiped away. And I can't even figure out why. I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe in an attempt to figure out what the heck is going on in my head.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore.