It's so hard to think about the future. I think about what I want to do with my life. Who I want to marry. How many kids I want to have. Where I want to live. And so on and so on. I'm always thinking about what I want. But then I realized something today. It's not what I want. It's what GOD wants.
Now before I start this, if you don't believe in God, I'm sorry that you're losing out. God is the most amazing thing that I have ever learned of. He has helped me through so many things. All the hurt over the years, all of the pain. All of the worry and all of the fear. All of the anger and all of the hate. All of the joy and all of the happiness. He has been there for me. Even when I did not feel him he was there. He also promised me he would be there so that I may cry out to him (Psalm 142, King David).
Anyways, I've seen radical changes in people over the last several years. I really hope these next few people don't mind but they have been an amazing blessing in my life. I look up to them spiritually. They are a sort of spiritual mentor to me.
First, Carole-Marie. She and I had always been friends. She was a typical theatre kid. A cussing, sexual, crude theatre kid. Then she started dating an amazing Christian guy named Drew. Drew you have indirectly changed my life. You changed her. She is the Godliest girl now. If I ever need to pray or just learn about what God can do I can go to her.
Second is Richard. Richard had always struggled with sexual impurity. He also was a bit pompous and a bit full of himself. All of a sudden at the beginning of last year he came back to school completely changed. He didn't cuss anymore. He wasn't full of himself. He was full of God. I thought it was a temporary thing. I didn't think it would last. Yet it did. Through October, when my grandfather died and when Daniel and I broke up, he was there to pray with me. Through Godspell he gave all of the glory for that amazing last show to God, even though he worked really hard. Through the summer and into this year, he was there with theatre was sucking the life out of me. He's been an encouragement.
I have seen both of these people's live changed completely. Both of them have struggled to do what God wishes them to do. Whatever it be.
So tonight I was sitting next to my mom crying because I felt so lonely. I just felt terrible. I came into the study and starting listening to my itunes on random. All of a sudden "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl came on. I instantly got on my knees praying and crying out to God. I felt his arms come upon me and just comfort. He was telling me it would be fine. He hadn't left me. And he would never change. He wouldn't leave me because he loves me unconditionally. Luckily I was also able to talk to Richard who helped me with the human comfort.
As I sit here in my emotional pain I think about the verse I have referenced so many times for others. James 1 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Ironically it's the verse I put on my letter jacket. God's saying to me through my pain "You're not done, my beautiful daughter. You have so much to learn and so much more time to grow."
Once when I was in therapy, when I was being bullied, the councilor (who was a Christian councilor), told me that she could tell that God had something planned for me, because I was going through so much. I just blew it off. I didn't think that God would put me through so much just because he wanted me to do something. Now 5 years later I realize that what she said was true. God wants me to grow and do something for him, but I'm not strong enough yet. I'm not mature enough. There is a lot I need to learn. I need to be stronger in his word. I need to be closer to him.
So as I think about what I want to do with my life, I must think of what God is planning for me. He's allowing me to hurt so there must be something in my future.
There is a story in the Christian community about a man who is looking back at the footsteps of his walk with the Lord. He notices that sometimes there are two pair of footsteps and yet in other places there is only one pair of footsteps. He looks at Jesus and says "I thought you said you would walk with me always. Where were you then?" he says as he points to one of the places with just one pair of foot steps. "Why weren't you there then?" Jesus then replies "I was there. I was carrying you."
There is no way I can make it through life with out my "Daddy". I tried it last year and failed miserably. As I told Richard tonight, I've barely made it through the past, without him. I shall now thrive, WITH him.
I love the thought in Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd." I really don't like the fact that I'm a dumb sheep. The fact that the Lord tells me where to go, sometimes irks me. And yet I don't see the picture. I'm too busy grazing on my grass. I don't see the steep cliff ahead. I don't see the wolf about to eat me. And yet my Daddy does. I may not like that he takes me away from my grass but I don't know that he just saved me.
Thank you Daddy. Thank you for saving me. I pray that whatever you want for me will be apparent. I pray, more significantly, that I follow through with what you want me to do. I pray I have the strength and the maturity to do it. And I pray I do it willingly and not angrily. I also thank you for my friends that are there to pray with me. I pray you be with them. I pray for my friends who do not know you. I pray they see you to be the amazing "person" you are. I pray they see that Jesus can save them. I pray that through any persecution, I bring you glory. Amen.
Now before I start this, if you don't believe in God, I'm sorry that you're losing out. God is the most amazing thing that I have ever learned of. He has helped me through so many things. All the hurt over the years, all of the pain. All of the worry and all of the fear. All of the anger and all of the hate. All of the joy and all of the happiness. He has been there for me. Even when I did not feel him he was there. He also promised me he would be there so that I may cry out to him (Psalm 142, King David).
Anyways, I've seen radical changes in people over the last several years. I really hope these next few people don't mind but they have been an amazing blessing in my life. I look up to them spiritually. They are a sort of spiritual mentor to me.
First, Carole-Marie. She and I had always been friends. She was a typical theatre kid. A cussing, sexual, crude theatre kid. Then she started dating an amazing Christian guy named Drew. Drew you have indirectly changed my life. You changed her. She is the Godliest girl now. If I ever need to pray or just learn about what God can do I can go to her.
Second is Richard. Richard had always struggled with sexual impurity. He also was a bit pompous and a bit full of himself. All of a sudden at the beginning of last year he came back to school completely changed. He didn't cuss anymore. He wasn't full of himself. He was full of God. I thought it was a temporary thing. I didn't think it would last. Yet it did. Through October, when my grandfather died and when Daniel and I broke up, he was there to pray with me. Through Godspell he gave all of the glory for that amazing last show to God, even though he worked really hard. Through the summer and into this year, he was there with theatre was sucking the life out of me. He's been an encouragement.
I have seen both of these people's live changed completely. Both of them have struggled to do what God wishes them to do. Whatever it be.
So tonight I was sitting next to my mom crying because I felt so lonely. I just felt terrible. I came into the study and starting listening to my itunes on random. All of a sudden "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl came on. I instantly got on my knees praying and crying out to God. I felt his arms come upon me and just comfort. He was telling me it would be fine. He hadn't left me. And he would never change. He wouldn't leave me because he loves me unconditionally. Luckily I was also able to talk to Richard who helped me with the human comfort.
As I sit here in my emotional pain I think about the verse I have referenced so many times for others. James 1 2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Ironically it's the verse I put on my letter jacket. God's saying to me through my pain "You're not done, my beautiful daughter. You have so much to learn and so much more time to grow."
Once when I was in therapy, when I was being bullied, the councilor (who was a Christian councilor), told me that she could tell that God had something planned for me, because I was going through so much. I just blew it off. I didn't think that God would put me through so much just because he wanted me to do something. Now 5 years later I realize that what she said was true. God wants me to grow and do something for him, but I'm not strong enough yet. I'm not mature enough. There is a lot I need to learn. I need to be stronger in his word. I need to be closer to him.
So as I think about what I want to do with my life, I must think of what God is planning for me. He's allowing me to hurt so there must be something in my future.
There is a story in the Christian community about a man who is looking back at the footsteps of his walk with the Lord. He notices that sometimes there are two pair of footsteps and yet in other places there is only one pair of footsteps. He looks at Jesus and says "I thought you said you would walk with me always. Where were you then?" he says as he points to one of the places with just one pair of foot steps. "Why weren't you there then?" Jesus then replies "I was there. I was carrying you."
There is no way I can make it through life with out my "Daddy". I tried it last year and failed miserably. As I told Richard tonight, I've barely made it through the past, without him. I shall now thrive, WITH him.
I love the thought in Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd." I really don't like the fact that I'm a dumb sheep. The fact that the Lord tells me where to go, sometimes irks me. And yet I don't see the picture. I'm too busy grazing on my grass. I don't see the steep cliff ahead. I don't see the wolf about to eat me. And yet my Daddy does. I may not like that he takes me away from my grass but I don't know that he just saved me.
Thank you Daddy. Thank you for saving me. I pray that whatever you want for me will be apparent. I pray, more significantly, that I follow through with what you want me to do. I pray I have the strength and the maturity to do it. And I pray I do it willingly and not angrily. I also thank you for my friends that are there to pray with me. I pray you be with them. I pray for my friends who do not know you. I pray they see you to be the amazing "person" you are. I pray they see that Jesus can save them. I pray that through any persecution, I bring you glory. Amen.
1 comment:
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I don't have the words in me to wax eloquently right now, so I'll settle for saying this:
I love you, Sarah.
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